Back In The US of A...And Not Very Okay

I'm Back Babeh!

I am back on beachy soil-sand, and under the scorching summer sun.

I have bumped into quite a few people from my past in the past few days as well. Things have changed yet stayed the same, yet not really..they have totally changed. Half my town feels like a zombie video game scene, thanks to all the dead trees and the basically barren, have not seen anyone in three hours of walking around the main street, feel to it. The only routine thing is the loudness of it all. The yelling, the chores, the quibbling, the fact that our treadmill is covered in pee and boxes of hangers that needed to get thrown out. It sort of feels like I'm not really here. Like its all some dream and I'm walking through this big empty house with only three of my dogs on my heals, and just nothing to do and no one to spend time with. My days are spent trying to workout (but my dog Penny thinks we are playing a game, goes for my legs, and eats my shoes while I'm still in them!), putting sun block on, swimming in the pool for 3 hours around midday, and cooking something healthy for dinner before going to bed in my fantastically comfy but lonely bed. Now that I am back on this side of the pond, all the people who claim they have missed me, and want to go out and do things with me, are just walking past me like I should beg them to join in on their fun which they clearly want me to not be around for. Fine, I get the large bold print hint. I am not needed or desired here, huh? Granted I have seen my Seashell, and spoken to my Song Bird about doing things in NYC soon, but not much else has been happening. After my brilliant night out with Seashell to see Murder Ballad (my fracking God was that show amazing!) and drinking tons of wine, New York has once again lost its luster.

 

Is it just human to long for things from your past? Pleading with the visa department and beeggin to get back into the UK or Italy seems fruitless so far. Right now, I miss London. I miss the cleanness of it, the quiet, the odd emptiness and openness of the streets that can flood with people in under a second. I miss the accents, the perfumes in the air on the tube.
Do we just get nostalgic for these exciting or peaceful places and people, or do we just miss the way we felt there? Were the 90's so fantastic, or was it just that I was young and still learning? Well, the 90's and early 2000's were fracking fantastic, if I blur the bullying and the crippling self doubt away of course.

But now I feel the hot breeze spill into the room and hear the Zicadas humming loud. Over in London I miss new york. I miss the colors from the sea, the breeze, the sun light- Oh the glorious sun how I miss you beaming down on my ready and waiting to get back to normally tan colored skin. So maybe I should stop caring about who wants me here, who doesn't, and who just walks straight through me. Being a tan ghost might have some benefits...like I could get more stuff done...while being more tan?

It Ain't Easy Feeling Green

“Health is the natural condition. When sickness occurs, it is a sign that Nature has gone off course because of a physical or mental imbalance. The road to health for everyone is through moderation, harmony, and a 'sound mind in a sound body'.”
― Jostein Gaarder, Sophie's World

Being sick is nothing short of hell. 

Your head aches from swollen sinuses and mucus. Your bed has become the Gravitron ride, never ceasing its infernal spinning. Your stomach feels too full and wont stop jitter bugging. There is no control over body temperature or the room's air supply! There is no dam to ebb the flow of your fever sweat. Every stitch of fabric is trying to snuff your life out, but it is better than being outside the protection of it in the harsh 'cold' room. Sneezing hurts, and no amount of soft tissues will sooth the burn that's encasing your nostrils! Your lungs are having a tea party outside in the garden every time you cough, and your throat cough light up Amsterdam its so red! You're achy all over and just want to sleep. No matter how tired you are, sleep eludes you.

However, none of that is worse than missing something you have been waiting weeks for due to illness or injury. I have had to miss three fun days out due to awfulness! I was so tired and busy, I have not even checked the blog. Sorry y'all. Needed some rest desperately! I missed a goofy party, a live game show, and the Pride parade! Thank god for fantastic friends, or my theatre tickets would have gone to a total waste too! 

Is it just me, or do people judge others severely when they are ill or injured?

I always feel guilty when I cannot attend something or do something because I am under the weather or my foot has decided to become troublesome again. It makes me self-conscious. People will think less of me or look at me in a different light because of it. At least, that is what the little voice in my head says. That's the reason I usually push myself to go further, to do more, when I am feeling lousy of in a bit of pain. I once broke my ankle and performed in a walking cast that same day. A few weeks later, in another show, I was doing cartwheels in that same walking cast. All so I could show how dedicated I was, to prove I was reliable and could pull through. An ankle is no foot though. And an injury is not illness.

Honestly though, what blows more than missing out on fun due to . . . well, blowing chunks? Sorry for the visual, and the tacky puns, but a party girl is loosing out on fun due to tummy troubles. Whatever was bugging me has finally been resolved! The relief is undeniable and unending! I think the only truly good thing about being sick . . . possibly the way you can kinda let go and accept doing nothing. I can watch cartoons, eat matzo ball soup, listen to an audio book. Nothing really that physically or mental active. Just enough that I can distract myself from feeling icky. 

Was Getting Sick Better When We Were Small? Do I Remember That Wrong?

When we were kids, our parents had ways they would take care of us (or not, if you had a different sort of childhood/parenting situation going on). My mom always makes chicken noodle soup with broken angle hair pasta, extra celery, and would bring me lime juice. My dad would make very un-amusing jokes about me being sick, or tell me stories about how he was sick back in the day. I cannot tell you the amount of times I've heard the story of how he got drunk, ruined his mother's brand new carpets, and was told he'd get to sleep in the backyard if he was not better house trained. The punch line of this tale from my father's childhood? He got to sleep outside the second time he pulled that. Sometimes the five of us would just sit together. Other times I was kinda left in my room so no one else would get sick, and mom would check on me. She'd come bearing gifts (of soup, water bottles, a towel, a magazine, a thermometer, medicines) and then be off. When you live in a house with three kids, and only one of them is sick, you are desperately trying to keep everyone as healthy as possible.

 

Wish I had thought about the oven mitts!

I could miss school, I could stay in bed all day to paint, relax, do my homework that was due the next day. Being a kid and being sick was the best, unless it was serious sick. Like the chicken pox! That was a hell of a bad time! I remember throwing up right before my mom saw the first dot, in front of my entire first grade class. Not smart was I. She taught me what to do instead of scratch, slap the spots or put on calamine lotion. Any and every itch was met with the same love as a mosquito on the back of your neck.

What do you do when you are sick?

But now, my audience, we are but humble 20 somethings who have just flown the nest. We are just starting out on our own, living in our own spaces, working mind numbing or fun filled jobs. How do we handle getting sick? Do ya journey on, pretending you're healthy until it's true? Do you 'keep a stiff upper lip' and pop some medicine to get through the day? How do any of us cope with illness and injury, now that we are not only responsible for ourselves, but for our jobs too? Someone, anyone, please tell me.  

Bye For Now XX

How To Deal With : Sleep Deprivation and Ramblings

After a night of insatiable insomnia, still have absolutely no idea as to the why or how of it BTW, and sleeping all throughout the day I am now wired near 1:30 in the frackin morning. Should I grab that sleeping pill by my bedside and drift the night away, or try to stay awake all night again in the hopes that my hours will revert back to daytime creature soon? I miss my morning routine! You know, wake up at 5 am all bright eyed and bushy tailed, head off to the gym for an intense 2 hours of sweat and smiles, and hit the ground running for the rest of the day. Maybe take in a show after a 10 hour day, or go out dancing til 3 am and start all over again.

But lately it feels like I am in a rut...a schedule one.

Do those exist? 

With not much to do during my days, unemployed and out of school for now, you'd think my apartment would be a bit cleaner. But cleaning is usually what I do when I am agitated or angry or worried or stressed...let's just say that you see me in a clean version on my room means I've been beating it up. But is this usual? Once out of school, waiting for someone, anyone really, to higher you for any one of the thousands of jobs you've applied for is kinda just a waiting game. I've heard the joke all my life about how actors are just waiter who struck luck, but honestly are we not all just waiters? Not the food server people, they seriously are amazing and I don't know how they can stay chipper in the face of ass-hole customers. I mean, are we not all just waiting?

Think about it. When you are a kid, you are waiting to be grown up. When you are a teenager, you are waiting for college. In college, you are waiting for that dream career to start. And then you graduate...and you work, but its not the dream job. Not this job, no, this one's my 'money-to-survive' job. I specifically remember hearing when I was a kiddie in the park from my dad that there was this path. A success and life path. You start in childhood, got through the school system and get good grades, get into a good college/university to receive a high degree, and then get the job that is the stepping stone to the career you always wanted. Then you work in your career, making money to support yourself and have enough money in the bank to own outright your own house somewhere. Throughout this time you date people, but never get into anything serious. Find someone you love who loves you back, marry them, and buy a house to live in with your kids. During all this time you must also save up for when you get old, and will have medical bills and stuff.

Wasn't this a great movie ? ! ? !

I know, a lot to tell a kid, right? But this path stuff was shoved down my throat for years until I believed it was my own belief. Worse than crazy catholic nuns with left handed people, my hand to God...Oops. God pun.
Kids are constantly told that, until they are 18, their lives belong to their parents. Their social lives happens underneath and in between the scheduled world of the adults around them. We are always waiting for our lives to begin, in our bedrooms or in the hallways of some a-typical high school. So much so that when it is our turn we have no idea. We can spend our whole lives waiting for our chance, that fleeting tiny flash of perfection that is truly ours, but we could miss it in a New York minute. 

Boom! 

Snap!

Poof!

Now you are in charge of other people, making sure that they have everything they need. The focus is on them, making sure they come first instead of ourselves. Oh adulthood, what a perfect trap you are.

Anyways, maybe I should pop that NyQuil ZZZ pill. Non-addictive or habit forming, I swear! No itchy wrists or drug addiction here. I'm nowhere near that interesting. I know they say sex and pain sells, but that is not on the menu here on this 'health and ranting' blog I am running.
Sleep well to those of you who can.

I am off! But before I beg my pillows for a sweet dream, here is a list of some of the stuff I have done to occupy the hours I was meant to be silent and sleeping.

How To Occupy the Silent Hours when Sheep Just Wont Do It!

1. Silent workout (mostly yoga, crunches, leg lifts, and stretches)
2. Sketch, Draw, Creative yet Silent stuff (paint it out, or doodle)
3. Write (blog stuff, correspondence, to do lists for the rest of the week)
4. Fold clothes
5. Listen to music (tried unsuccessfully not to dance around)
6. Watch Buffy, Archer, and Victor/Victoria on the TV
7. Pamper Myself (nails, trim hair, tweezers brows)
8. Down a HUGE water bottle

What do ya'll do to get through bad nights like these? Please tell me. Totally willing to try anything just short of bad for my health or tattooing myself in the face. 

Bye for Now x

How To Deal With: Old Injuries 1 (The Morning of the Cripple)

When an old injury acts up, usually it doesn't mean you cannot continue your day right? Maybe pop a few pain killers or some anti-inflammatory pills, and you can push through the day until you can climb back into be and ice it. But when you have an injury to the foot, and one that has required not 1 but 2 major surgeries, your day is shot. Well, to be more accurate, what you had planned on being your day is shot, and a new kind of day unfurls at your...feet...
horrible pun...

 

A lisfranc injury - one you should actually only get if a horse stomps on you, not if you slide 6 feet, barefoot, in a rehearsal space during an acting class warm up at 9 in the morning - is a bitch. You wake up one day, it is a little stiff. you spend about 15 min in bed making sure it is okay to walk on, by stretches and exercises you have learned from over a year of Physical therapy, and then carry on with your day. That night you elevate it for a little while. I am supposed to ice it at night, or whenever it hurts badly, but I don't. Where am I to get ice on a train in the middle of London?? But some mornings, you forget to elevate it the night before (for like 2 weeks), and you do your morning's 15 minute check-if-I-am-good-to-walk test and all seems fine. Until, even through the fog and dreaminess of your sleepy brain, you put your foot on the ground and try to stand. And instantly you are awake, eyes bugging out of your head cause it is 7 am, people are sleeping so you cannot cry out, and your brain tells you in a frightened sad voice, 

"I don't think you can make that long commute today. Yesterday you had no seat on either side of the train journeys and walked back to the house when you should have taken the bus."

After hating myself for about 10 whole minutes, I tried to convince myself it wouldn't be so bad, that I could do it! A good pep talk can make armies run to battle, a girl feel confidant in herself enough to head to school, but not today. The second I tried to bare weight on that injured foot again, I knew I couldn't do it. I wouldn't have been able to walk down the stairs to put my shoes on. Or put my shoes on! So, hating myself for an additional 10 minutes, solely thinking about how my class needs me, and I must get to school to help them with our stuff, my boyfriend just stares at me. Worry, mixed with a bit of awe at the conversation in my head maybe, and trying to put his foot down...god I hate these puns...about making me stay to nurse myself for tomorrow and relax today.

Now I am in bed, with three elastic tension bands, an ice pack, a laptop, and a cheap top-up mobile to call into school to let them know I cannot come in. You feel guilty with an injury like this. You are needed or are desperately excited to do something vital for the day, but you have to take care of your injury instead. After a while, some people - who shall remain name-less on here but not face-less in my head - have thought I was milking my pain out so I could get out of doing things, or faking the injury for attention. 

Trust me bitches, FUCK YOU. 

 

If I could fake this, I would be so much happier. Then I could wear high heels again, dance all night and still be fine to go to the gym in the morning. I hate that this happened to me. I was isolated in a room for 3 months after the first surgery, my whole summer spent in doors and in such horrible pain (I had to crawl down the stairs, more than once, to use to bathroom. You don't know dignity until you had to hop on one leg for 3 weeks every time you had to throw up or pee or god forbid both.). Then, not fully recovered, pretended that the pain had ebbed and went to school in another country. Anytime it was unbearably awful, I had to tell a faculty member, and it was embarrassing. The second summer of pain was not as bad, because I know knew the joys of the internet (previously, all I used it for was research and online games. I now know of reddit, pinterest, and other just addictions) and what to expect of the pain. 
Today is the first in many weeks I have been physically halted in my tracks...fucking puns...

I will be fine, is my mantra. 
It will get better, the other mantra. 

I hope so, inner me. I do hope so.

Bye For Now!

The Soundtrack to My Life...

Have you ever had a song pop up on your i-pod playlist while you were out doing something - lets say shopping, walking home alone at 3 am, or entering a gallery at a museum - that felt kismet? I mean, that totally encompasses how you were feeling and the place you were in, both the physical plane and the emotional world?

Well, it always seems to happen to me.

Wherever I go, no matter what playlist I play, or even if the music is on shuffle, it always seems to strike the right chord. Yesterday, after an audition for a children's theatre touring company, I decided duck out of the rain in the Metropolitan Museum of Art. They have a beautiful exhibit there with suits of armor and masks, and as I was entering the hall Gavin Degraw started singing Soldier in my ears. Or what about when you are having a horrible day, you're walking a long way home in the rain, and suddenly you hear the lyrics of the Weepies's song "Can't Go Back Now", and it makes you feel empowered for the future as well as mournful of the past?

Music is the food of love, and I agree with the bard when he writes, play on!

'Cause my fingers don't hurt or nothing...

Without music, I truly believe humans would be lost. Every culture, every civilization, every era has its own sounds. War has drums and fifes, the wind has chimes, even the seasons have their own soundtrack. 

I cannot do anything without music. I make playlists for everything: roadtrips, plane rides, baking/cooking, workouts, etc.  

My current workout playlist is as follows:

Secrets......OneRepublic

Everyone Loves Me......OneRepublic

Bring The Future Faster....Leslie Kritzer (Rooms The Musical)

Fear......OneRepublic

Fear of Flying.......Doug Kreeger (Rooms The Musical)

Vanity.......Hanover Swain

War Sweater......Wakey!Wakey!

We Are Young (feat. Janelle Monae).......Fun.

Everybody Talks.......Neon Trees

Without You (feat. Usher)........David Guetta

Lessons In Love (feat. Neon Trees).......Kaskade

Dirty Dancer (with Usher)[feat. Lil Wane].......Enrique Iglesias

Sins of My Youth......Neon Trees

Animal.....Neon Trees

Fairytale....Sara Bareilles

Gravity.....Sara Bareilles

Kiss That Grrrl.....Kate Nash

Never Again.....Kelly Clarkson

I'm Not Okay (I Promise)......My Chemical Romance

Come Away to the Water.......Maroon 5

Even If It Breaks Your Heart......Eli Young Band

Part of Me......Katy Perry

Shut Up and Let Me Go.......The Ting Tings

Stripper......Sohodolls

Be Italian (Club Version).....Fergie (NINE The Musical)

I Don't Care.......Fall Out Boy

This one should be good for the next few weeks, but as soon as a new mix is made, it shall be up here for you all. What playlists have you guys been using lately?

Blow Out The Candles, And Make A Wish...

Birthdays & All Their Glory

Another year, another day older. The old days where birthdays were momentous occasions with themes, invitations, guest lists, goodie bags, and sometimes pinatas, are, as the raven would say, nevermore. Now, if one is lucky, one's birthday is filled with possible facebook well-wishes, possible hangouts if people are not busy with other things (and usually those are in bars, or in apartments, with so many liquor bottles it will seem like you are a party of pirates just after a raid), or like me, spending your day trying to find things to do to make the day seem even a little special.

Today's Agenda:

1. Laundry
2. Cleaning:

   (Room, Kitchen, & Car)
3. Skyping with British Boyfriend

4. Pick Up Indian Take-Away (or take-out) From New Favorite Restaurant
5. [And Lastly, if at all possible] Watch a movie, either at the cinema or in my bed, alone. 

I am sorry world, but does that not sound like a pathetic birthday? First world problem, I know, but come on! Everyone deserves an amazing birthday. It is the one day a year we all get to be a bit greedy, and no one judges us on it! The day we can eat anything we want, do anything we want, drink anything we want, dress like escaped mental patients and sing in the streets! . . .or is that just theatre birthdays?...Whatever! This is one of the key philosophies of my life, and I try to keep to the code every chance I can! 

{In fact, last year for my boyfriend's 23rd birthday I had a huge weekend planned: First, I let him have introverted time (Another personal philosophy: Everyone should spend at least one hour per day alone, to detox from the stress of life and stupid people, to do something relaxing and/or fun), while I created 30 cupcakes from scratch! I made 14 Piglets (strawberry frosting and sponge cake), 14 Owls (chocolate frosting, and sponge cake), and 2 Abominations (half piglet + half owl = POWEL). Then we went down to Brighton, UK, for the whole weekend, and met up with his friends in a bar (originally this bar had been filled with old school video games, and pin ball machines, but they were moved without a website update!), and spent the whole night traipsing about, looking for funny drinks and fun times (a.k.a. bar hopping). The next night, when we got back to his place, I cooked dinner (Sweet Potato Mash, Red Wine Sauteed Mushrooms, and Grilled White Truffle Fillet Minon, wrapped in bacon). Best girlfriend of the year award, check! Great birthday memory, check! }

I love planning parties, but I never seem to have anything fun planned for my own. My family goes in five different directions, and ever since my 16th birthday, not even a family dinner has come together. For my 21st birthday, all I wanted was a family dinner where I could drink as much wine as I wanted and not worry about having to drive home. But my father took everyone out to dinner, thinking my birthday was the next night, and I ended up having my mom yell at me in a hotel bar (which was text-book sad movie bar: blue lighting, windy boardwalk backdrop, sad jazz music floating in the stale air, and only 4 people in the whole joint) claiming I was ungrateful and negative. This year, I fear, will be no different. 

How can it be, when everyone who cares about me is busy or in another country unable to celebrate with me? If I could have my secret heart's birthday wish, and it could only be for the 24 hours of my birthday, what would it be? I would want to have a lovely picnic in a meadow, relaxing and quiet, with nothing to worry about...or at least a full night of drinking, singing, and dancing at my three favorite bars/dance clubs, back in London.

CATCH 22 - Shoreditch, London

But with any {birthday} luck, this year will be different.

Birthday Luck

There is something to this, at least in my life. There may have never been a birthday where I got exactly what I wanted (parent planned parties, people invited who didn't like me/bullied me, or family dinners that were filled with in-fighting), but I always end up with what I need from the outside world. Birthday luck, according to Urban Dictionary, is "a nuclear explosion of luck that happens inside you. It causes you to have the ability to do anything". In my personal history, May 11th has given me some beautiful gifts: one year I found a book in the middle of a parking lot (it became one of my personal favorites), another year I found eighty dollars, and once I even went backstage to watch a Broadway show! Tonight, I walked the streets of my town, door to door, filling out job applications for every bar, bar &grill, and restaurant in there area, crossing my fingers and focusing all my positive energy to get me a job! With my charming smile, my pretty face, and my winning witty self, I shook every one's hands and hopefully got my foot in the door for something that pays and has consistent days! Birthday luck, work your magic!!

So, as of now, my birthday is in 10 minutes. Maybe I used up all the luck tomorrow has to offer? Maybe I wont even get one of the things on my to-do list done? Or worse! I could get called into school to do something utterly pointless, the equivalent of busy work for kinder gardener.

Now, for bed!

And may tomorrow be filled with luck, gifts, and happiness!

Welcome to your briefing...Enjoy...

Welcome to Pandora's Recipe Box! As the name promises, there is more in store. 

Let me start off by saying, there are tons of blogs about recipes, weight loss, time management, and people's lives, and this one will be nothing like them.

This blog is for me, and every person out there like me. The girl who runs around like a chicken with its head cut off, just trying to keep her head above water day by day (or whatever imagery suits you best). Ever forget that you have not eaten all day because you were too busy to notice? Ever wonder why you can't drop a pound (and not British currency)? Ever wish nap time was mandatory for all ages? 

Well, I have. A LOT. And finally I have decided to take matters into my own hands. 

The goal for this blog? Personally, I have two.

The first is for me: To lose 150 lbs in one year.

For one full year ( Saturday, May 19th 2012 thru Sunday, May 19th 2013) I will submit everything from the healthy recipes( and not-so-healthy-yet-deliciously-decadent ones) on my daily menus, to pictures and videos on how to make them all.

The second is for all of you: A helpful guide.

I will upload my music mixes to work out to, nifty and thrifty ways to help anyone stay in shape and get healthy, and anything else I can think of that would help my over working, stressed out, and self-conscious brethren and sistren. 

For now, as in for the next twenty two days, I will be uber stressed out and busy with my Senior year of my Undergrad career. I will try to post as often as I am able during that time, but no promises.

Once the clock strikes, the story can begin . . . x x x